Every morning my alarm goes off at 4:30am. More often then not, I roll over in bed and hit snooze. The evening before I commit to myself to get up the first time the alarm goes and get a quick run in before anyone else is up. But at 4:30 in the morning, those thoughts are so far away. All I think about is more sleep. maybe an hour later, I will finally get up. I scramble 2 eggs. Eat my eggs while I check my email, and kick myself for not getting up early enough for that run. Then I'm off to shower and get ready for work. About the time I am getting out of the shower I hear a little cry from the room next to my bedroom. I grab the baby from her crib and bring her into my room so I can finish getting ready.
This is how Monday thru Friday begin for me. Today, when I think about all this, it seems so mundane. Normal. It is much different then a life I lived 12 years ago. I was admitted into an inpatient treatment center for woman with eating disorders. I suffered from anorexia and bulimia. I knew that life would look different for me once entering the treatment center. I knew they would tell me what to and eat and when. I knew I would have a set bedtime and time to get up. I knew it was a locked unit and so I no longer had the ability to come and go as I wanted. I didn't know that I would have to learn to use the restroom with someone watching. I didn't know how very lonely those first few nights would be. And I didn't know how grateful I would be for that place in just a few short months.
Looking back to that time isn't difficult. I just don't find my self reflecting back to those days often. I remember when I decided to go into treatment, I felt like this action would define the rest of my life. Everyone would know. I would always be known as the girl who went to treatment, and I never thought I would be able to live a normal life. Twelve years later, my life is nothing like the nightmare I had built up in my head, and looks very similar to that dream that felt so far away while in my disease - a dream of kids, a loving husband, a home, - the American dream.
My life is not perfect, not even close. But today I am free from the bondage that anorexia and bulimia had on me. My goal with this blog is share how I live and lived my life in recovery.