We had the most wonderful weekend, spent time with my sister and her family, visiting the zoo, going on a gorgeous hike, it was absolutely wonderful, except…. Why does it seem there is always an “except” after what sounds so flawless? This time our “except” was our one year old developed an ear infection in the middle of all this. Fever up to 103, fussy, forcing her to take medicine, and of course the emotional stress it puts on any mother. For a mother it is so hard to see her struggling.
As Kelly and I drove home from my parents house, I could barely hold back the tears. For was probably seemed like no reason at all I just fell apart. I know in these moments Kelly finds himself with no words, and probably thinking, “what did I do now?”.
And in that moment it just seemed at all these little struggles became overwhelming. Sick baby, stress from work, any financial worry because this ear infection would be the 7th in 4 months for the baby. I knew this meant we had no choice but to buckle and get the tubes put in her ears. Admittedly , just saying this out loud makes me sound like the worst parent ever but, all I could see were dollar signs. We have had what seems like an endless stream of medical expenses recently, and one more surgery center bill, anesthesia and physician bills… it just overwhelmed me.
I tried to hide the tears but I couldn’t. I was having a full on melt down…. In the car, with my husband and baby. Luckily our ten year old wasn’t there to whiteness it.
The first thing out of Kelly’s mouth “why do you do this? you are suffering and don’t say anything until you end up a wreck?”. And its so true. I do it every time. I am supermom, and superemployee, and superwife… until I’m not. At that point I just feel completely defeated.
Why do I do this? This is exactly how I was my entire eating disorder. I struggled, and struggled. I thought I could handle everything myself. I thought I could out smart my disease and someday get better, of course when I wanted to. But there was no way I could handle every emotion I had on my own. Every bit of paid and anger. I know that moment I put my abusive boyfriend on the greyhound bus and sent him back to Texas, I would feel better. But I didn’t. And not only did I have emotional baggage from him, I pick up another man, who months later would end up being abusive to me, but only sexually.
Most people need help dealing with those things. Why did I think I was different? I went on like this until I was completely broken.
So – takeaway the abuse and the eating disorder. I still behave exactly the same. The work is never the same. I always recognize areas that I need to work on.... Thats a post for another day.